Midges aka Kiwi Flying Ninjas

Midges are insects. They are almost known as sandflies in some areas, and have the look of a fruitfly, the bite of a mosquito, and the dexterity of a housefly. No, they don’t suck your blood. They do, however, leave a little red bump not unlike that of a typical mosquito bite, and the itch will make you want to tear your skin off, again not unlike that of a typical mosquito bite. But here’s where the resemblance ends… for Midges, the little critters of hell, the banes of my existence, have all the lethal power of Ninjas, in the insect kingdom. I am quite serious when I say Ninjas, as the following Ninja Principles in Midge Behaviour have been observed during the time that I have spent battling them while enjoying the beauty that is New Zealand:

Dress in Black

That’s self-explanatory.

Teamwork is effective

They don’t come at you one at a time. No kamikaze assignments for these buggers – one for all, and all for one. They fly around in a group looking for targets, rest on a surface and take off from it, as one. Slap one, and six will land on the same spot. Wave them all away, and they scatter in what you think is chaos, but really is a cunning flight pattern that eventually resolves into a larger nimbus of black buzz that surrounds your head, slowly but surely honing back onto the fleshy targets that they spot.

Be As One With Your Surroundings, make not a sound.

It doesn’t matter how many times we inspected a location before camping. Midges are not to be seen when they don’t want to be. It doesn’t help that they are black, and one-tenth the size of a grain of rice, and are almost invisible when in flight. They blend perfectly into the dark corners under the bushes, the quiet corners of a leafy canopy, within the grains of sands on the coves by the Milford Sound, and hiding under the hand grip of the glove compartment in the car. Sitting quietly, waiting, for the unsuspecting humans to let down their guard. Their flight is soundless, barely visible, leaving the target ignorant of their power until a bite is felt.

Neutralize the Enemy’s Strengths

This is a very simple, yet profoundly powerful: Bite humans when they are sleeping.

The ones that have achieved the level of Ninja Master have proven that with their training, they are even more accomplished – bite at areas that are not covered by the sleeping bag e.g. behind the ears; on the eyelid, etc.

Create maximum impact with the least effort

They get the target where scratching is almost impossible to relief the discomfort. Or, where scratching will cause pain and not relief. Examples of target areas: inside of the wrist, underside of the chin, behind your ears, on your eyelids, in between your toes, in your armpits. And the bites last long after you have left midge-region, and no amount of itch ointment, moisturizer or anti-histamine will relieve. Not to mention the little scar that some of the bad bites will leave behind – a little circle that constantly taunts you about being victim to the little buggers.

Retreat with Speed and Leave Nothing Behind but Confusion and Destruction

“There it is”

*slap*

“Ow.. dammit, there it goes! Get it again!”

*slap*

“Got it!” – “No you don’t, there it goes… Can’t reach it! Dammit I’ve got another one on my neck..”

*slap*”

“Holy shit they’re all in a cluster on the dashboard… the fucking nerve…”

“Slap them with the map..”

*slap*

“Oh stop it they’re now flying all into my face!”

*frantic waves*

“Don’t move you just aggravate them more…”

“Aggravate them? How about them aggravating me?”

“You’re only aggravated cos you let them get to you… calm down and they’ll leave you alone.”

“I was all calm last night and they left 4 bites on the bottom of my feet.. how to scratch that?!”

“Ignore it, think of something else.”

“You try ignoring it when you’re walking around on itchy feet… dammit, there’s two more..”

“Stop moving like this, I can’t see the mirror!”

**CRASH**

The Ninja team calmly retreats into the backseat cupholder, silently congratulating each other on a job well-done

You can try to guard yourself against them if you wish.

It is not for me to tell you how futile it will be, it is for you to find out.

For it is only when you feel the bite, Grasshopper, before you know how to live with it.

Such is the power of the Midge Ninja. Learn from them, for they have lived for generations before, and will continue to bite and annoy for generations after.

P.S. For more information about where the Ninja Midges reside, please go here.