Confinement Diaries Week 3: Parenthood, Motherhood and Couplehood
As much as I emoted over pregnancy, breastfeeding and confinement, I realize that those were temporary conditions that in several months would pass. Even the fussy stages that Layla is going through, I've
been told, will also pass.
What will linger is what I'm starting to feel - the bond of motherhood. It's not the pink and fluffy cotton candy ribbon-wrapped mother's day card sentiment you see on TV.
It's the tear-jerking tenderness you feel when you look at a sleeping baby's contented face and know you made her inside your body.
It's the terrible fear of making a mistake that will scar her for life, whether it's the accidental flash from the camera or when she chokes on her milk (future milk phobia?)
It's the inevitable resentment when some other woman seems to be better able to soothe her, or burp her, or make her smile, when you've done what you could to no avail.
It's the relief you feel when someone does take her off your hands before you lose your temper and say something stupid, after she's been alternatively nursing and crying for 90 minutes.
I'm not certain what makes a good mum. I catch myself at these moments wondering about how people learn to become parents - I'm not on trial run, nor am I experimenting with dolls - these are little humans whose future characters and bodies are shaped by our fumbling moves now. Should we trust nature to take its course? Is what I'm feeling the presence, or the lack of, maternal instinct?
Or the paternal instinct, ie. the other parent in the picture. Johann is in the unenviable position of being exiled to sleep in the living room for a month, while still taking care of all other matters big and small in the house, AND juggling tight work deadlines, AND taking on soothing or burping duty when needed. He has less physical time and proximity with Layla (no judgment please you need to understand the 10,000 things he juggles daily to get it), yet is indispensible to the family unit we are becoming. Not to mention running interference for all other obligations that are outside our little circle of 3.
Is this what parenthood is meant to be in the modern age? Still can't step away from the "outside-inside" dichotomy, such that when both parents are "outside" ie. full time jobs, someone else (eg. Nanny or
maid) has to be "inside". In effect the modern child has 3 or more parents?
We are grappling with this now as we ponder childcare solutions after my maternity leave is over. External childcare appears to be both uneconomical and fraught with diseases - is a live-in helper unavoidable?
In the forseeable future anyway, couplehood appears to be a thing of the past. Jo and I had been trying - an hour or two while Layla is napping to watch a footie match or a TV movie together, 30min of quiet time in the mornings just the 3 of us.
Something tells me that I need to find a way to preserve couplehood within the definitions of our new family circle. Ironically the quiet time exists because there is a nanny at the moment to watch over Layla - God knows what will happen when she leaves in 1 week's time.
That said, I find that the tried-and-true "How was your day?" and actually listening and responding to the answer, does make a very big difference - we become interesting adults and individuals again, not just another parental unit.
All of the above may sound like small potatoes to those of you who have been parents for some time. Apologies for making a mountain out of a molehill. When one is under confinement-arrest (and can't sleep)
there's not much else to do when faced with a sleeping baby and cheap data connection but express one's thoughts in a blog entry. Perhaps you care to share your views.
Affirmations:
- Watched Ron Howard's "Parenthood" again and was struck by how more meaningful it is now;
- Layla is gaining weight well and is taking almost 100ml per feed; Layla survived her first social occasion with nothing more than a cranky temper.
- Mum has figured how to switch sides when breastfeeding without disturbing Layla; Mum has come to terms with the breastmilk-formula conundrum;
- Daddy has changed his first diaper;
been told, will also pass.
What will linger is what I'm starting to feel - the bond of motherhood. It's not the pink and fluffy cotton candy ribbon-wrapped mother's day card sentiment you see on TV.
It's the tear-jerking tenderness you feel when you look at a sleeping baby's contented face and know you made her inside your body.
It's the terrible fear of making a mistake that will scar her for life, whether it's the accidental flash from the camera or when she chokes on her milk (future milk phobia?)
It's the inevitable resentment when some other woman seems to be better able to soothe her, or burp her, or make her smile, when you've done what you could to no avail.
It's the relief you feel when someone does take her off your hands before you lose your temper and say something stupid, after she's been alternatively nursing and crying for 90 minutes.
I'm not certain what makes a good mum. I catch myself at these moments wondering about how people learn to become parents - I'm not on trial run, nor am I experimenting with dolls - these are little humans whose future characters and bodies are shaped by our fumbling moves now. Should we trust nature to take its course? Is what I'm feeling the presence, or the lack of, maternal instinct?
Or the paternal instinct, ie. the other parent in the picture. Johann is in the unenviable position of being exiled to sleep in the living room for a month, while still taking care of all other matters big and small in the house, AND juggling tight work deadlines, AND taking on soothing or burping duty when needed. He has less physical time and proximity with Layla (no judgment please you need to understand the 10,000 things he juggles daily to get it), yet is indispensible to the family unit we are becoming. Not to mention running interference for all other obligations that are outside our little circle of 3.
Is this what parenthood is meant to be in the modern age? Still can't step away from the "outside-inside" dichotomy, such that when both parents are "outside" ie. full time jobs, someone else (eg. Nanny or
maid) has to be "inside". In effect the modern child has 3 or more parents?
We are grappling with this now as we ponder childcare solutions after my maternity leave is over. External childcare appears to be both uneconomical and fraught with diseases - is a live-in helper unavoidable?
In the forseeable future anyway, couplehood appears to be a thing of the past. Jo and I had been trying - an hour or two while Layla is napping to watch a footie match or a TV movie together, 30min of quiet time in the mornings just the 3 of us.
Something tells me that I need to find a way to preserve couplehood within the definitions of our new family circle. Ironically the quiet time exists because there is a nanny at the moment to watch over Layla - God knows what will happen when she leaves in 1 week's time.
That said, I find that the tried-and-true "How was your day?" and actually listening and responding to the answer, does make a very big difference - we become interesting adults and individuals again, not just another parental unit.
All of the above may sound like small potatoes to those of you who have been parents for some time. Apologies for making a mountain out of a molehill. When one is under confinement-arrest (and can't sleep)
there's not much else to do when faced with a sleeping baby and cheap data connection but express one's thoughts in a blog entry. Perhaps you care to share your views.
Affirmations:
- Watched Ron Howard's "Parenthood" again and was struck by how more meaningful it is now;
- Layla is gaining weight well and is taking almost 100ml per feed; Layla survived her first social occasion with nothing more than a cranky temper.
- Mum has figured how to switch sides when breastfeeding without disturbing Layla; Mum has come to terms with the breastmilk-formula conundrum;
- Daddy has changed his first diaper;
posted by tygertyger at 12:31 PM
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