Confinement Diaries Week 4: Reality smells like a stinky armpit
A bit late with this week's instalment, because the confinement nanny left (finally!) Which means we have survived 4 weeks, Layla is a whopping 4.65kg now and 1 month old, my husband is again back in my bed, and for real we now have to work out how to deal on our own.
In some ways it's better without help - I am not tempted to second-guess myself. I can eat what I want when I want (within limits). I can fumble my own way through and learn, provided I can stand the lengthier bouts of crying.
It's also a sobering realization that what I'm dealing with now, is what will be for months and years to come. Not just the emotive part of parenting, but the humdrum chores and physical tasks that come out of nowhere and don't seem to end. Bottles to be sterilized, again and again. Baby laundry to be washed. Bath to be readied (and cleaned up after). Change after change after change. No one else to soothe a crying baby but you. Feed after feed after feed.
That's not even counting the regular household chores like floors, garbage, dishes, bills, and more. I barely had time to eat or drink, let alone shower, or sleep. I have lost count of the number of times I was close to tears from exhaustion or went to bed smelling like an athlete's sock.
I'm sure some of this will regularise as a routine is established. In the meantime I have a new appreciation for the following people: 1. Single mums that work (especially feeling it now that my husband is stuck in office chasing deadlines); 2. Stay at home mums who do not have household help (eg. my mum).
One wonders how our mothers did it in days past. To hear them tell it (including my own) - childrearing was taught by experience from raising younger siblings, in their day - whereas it is taught by books and classes in today's world. Extended families were also a boon to their generation - more hands to help, less worries about life, more time at home.
So can we count on extended families these days? As the old saying goes, you can choose your friends but not your family. What if there were family members whose influence/participation you would rather keep at arms length? What if older relatives want to enjoy their third age in peace and quiet, not re-living parenting? Which way do the childraising scales tip - stranger that has an objective clear relationship, or familial assistance including all its baggage?
As an independent person who has led a very independent life, I tended to go for the nuclear family model (circa 80s) rather than the extended family model (which the government is trying to encourage these days). When our values and lifestyles have taken firm shapes to govern how we wish to raise our child, perhaps well-intentioned relatives will become one ingredient too many in the long, slow stewing process of childraising and family formation.
Most Singaporean new families I know have the compromise model - live as a nuclear family but be physically near extended families. For us, that would be somewhere in the middle between Tampines and Melbourne. So unless there was an Indonesian island equidistant that we could build our
own Mediterranean villa on, we still have to muddle through this on our own.
A routine is slowly being established - even the fussy periods and the diaper-changing cycles. I don't quite have the hang of it yet - but I'm not panicking as much as I did 4 weeks ago.
In the meantime, Layla has gotten used to the smell of my stinky armpit because that, in today's reality, is the smell of mother's love.
Affirmations:
- Layla has gained weight well and passed her 1st month physical checkup with flying colours!
- Mummy and Daddy have learned to dress Layla in long-sleeved tops or baby onesies without breaking a sweat
- 1 more week until Daddy's deadlines are done and we can go on a little family outing
In some ways it's better without help - I am not tempted to second-guess myself. I can eat what I want when I want (within limits). I can fumble my own way through and learn, provided I can stand the lengthier bouts of crying.
It's also a sobering realization that what I'm dealing with now, is what will be for months and years to come. Not just the emotive part of parenting, but the humdrum chores and physical tasks that come out of nowhere and don't seem to end. Bottles to be sterilized, again and again. Baby laundry to be washed. Bath to be readied (and cleaned up after). Change after change after change. No one else to soothe a crying baby but you. Feed after feed after feed.
That's not even counting the regular household chores like floors, garbage, dishes, bills, and more. I barely had time to eat or drink, let alone shower, or sleep. I have lost count of the number of times I was close to tears from exhaustion or went to bed smelling like an athlete's sock.
I'm sure some of this will regularise as a routine is established. In the meantime I have a new appreciation for the following people: 1. Single mums that work (especially feeling it now that my husband is stuck in office chasing deadlines); 2. Stay at home mums who do not have household help (eg. my mum).
One wonders how our mothers did it in days past. To hear them tell it (including my own) - childrearing was taught by experience from raising younger siblings, in their day - whereas it is taught by books and classes in today's world. Extended families were also a boon to their generation - more hands to help, less worries about life, more time at home.
So can we count on extended families these days? As the old saying goes, you can choose your friends but not your family. What if there were family members whose influence/participation you would rather keep at arms length? What if older relatives want to enjoy their third age in peace and quiet, not re-living parenting? Which way do the childraising scales tip - stranger that has an objective clear relationship, or familial assistance including all its baggage?
As an independent person who has led a very independent life, I tended to go for the nuclear family model (circa 80s) rather than the extended family model (which the government is trying to encourage these days). When our values and lifestyles have taken firm shapes to govern how we wish to raise our child, perhaps well-intentioned relatives will become one ingredient too many in the long, slow stewing process of childraising and family formation.
Most Singaporean new families I know have the compromise model - live as a nuclear family but be physically near extended families. For us, that would be somewhere in the middle between Tampines and Melbourne. So unless there was an Indonesian island equidistant that we could build our
own Mediterranean villa on, we still have to muddle through this on our own.
A routine is slowly being established - even the fussy periods and the diaper-changing cycles. I don't quite have the hang of it yet - but I'm not panicking as much as I did 4 weeks ago.
In the meantime, Layla has gotten used to the smell of my stinky armpit because that, in today's reality, is the smell of mother's love.
Affirmations:
- Layla has gained weight well and passed her 1st month physical checkup with flying colours!
- Mummy and Daddy have learned to dress Layla in long-sleeved tops or baby onesies without breaking a sweat
- 1 more week until Daddy's deadlines are done and we can go on a little family outing
posted by tygertyger at 11:41 PM
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