The Breakup

* This was written in April 2008, on my phone, when I resigned from my job as a Managing Director in a major international financial institution. I found it in a rescued thumb drive.

I thought it would be one of those conflagaration of emotions, with outpouring of well wishes and tears and hugs and teddy bears.

Reality was a diferent matter. I suppose in recent times when we all lead transient lives that emphasise mobility over rootedness, "moving on" is an expected milestone. No different from the 21st bday, or the silver wedding anniversary.

I resigned a month ago, and yesterday was my last day. The month's worth of notice period flew by -  i made my last business trips, caught up on as many loose ends as i could, said as many goodbyes as i could.  Tried to leave behind as much advice as i could to the junior members of the team - they were the biggest reasons for me to stay, yet my departure would have given them the biggest opportunity to advance. 

I thought deep and hard about the lessons i would take with me, 14 years of career-building and the metamorphosis of human nature from the pure naivete of earnest ambition to questionable integrity at the height of one's career. About the principles that i was, despite my best (and worst) efforts, able to maintain and stick by. About the people in whom i have lost faith and respect, and the ones whom i count as mentors i will never forget. About the tea ladies and receptionists, the analysts and vice presidents, the mailrunners and managing directors.

A friend said that perhaps its because i've put in 14 years in this field that the departure was sentimental. In his view, "a job is just a necessary evil". 

Perhaps he is right. My job has been my life so far, not just because it enables me to pay my bills or expands my knowledge.

But because I could learn and see what life has to offer in this sandbox that is corporate life.  I am not sure that if i was doing anything else that i could have become the person I am, with the views and principles i have. I learned to love, hate, judge, despise, stress, evaluate, drive, mentor, be patient, and finally, let go. 

It's rather sobering to finally realize that my feelings about leaving this stage of my life meant more to me than to the people that were such a big part of it. Some were caustic about my departure while others were selectively restrained in their send-off.

I re-read some of my old b-mails (ie. Blackberry emails) and am a little scared of how unhappy and angry I was when I wrote them.

So i guess in the end it is a better thing that i take a different path. My colleagues are going to be fine, and even if they aren't - they're all smart people and this bank isn't the only bank to make a living.

As hard as it was to say goodbye, like breaking up with a dysfunctional lover, in the end it was for my own good. I suppose i shouldn't be hoping for any more expressions of love as after all, it's a breakup - it was time to move on.

Ps. I did receive, after my last day, a card handmade by Sara signed by everyone, which was a really touching parting gift. That, will remain in my files with my old boyfriends' photographs.