Layla Milestone Diaries: Live-in Help
I've already gone through the pros/cons and various alternatives to hiring a live-in helper. In the end, due to our respective jobs, lack of trustworthy nanny referrals and ridiculously expensive infantcare options, economics and time pressure dictate that live-in helper is our optimal choice.
Our helper, Jubilah, started today. Based on our requirements, the agency assures us she is qualified. My interview with her proves benign, and she appears to handle Layla with sure arms and clean hands.
What caught me off-guard was the whallop to my stomach that I felt when I passed Layla into her arms. I think in the back of my mind I knew that my greatest fear was for Jubilah to become such a critical part of Layla's care, that my role will be steadily diminished. Rationally I know that I will never allow that to happen (although there are plenty of examples in Singapore to disprove that).
But as we went over the various tasks on Layla's schedule that Jubilah will have to help me with (especially when I return to work), the same tasks that I have taken great pains in the past 12 weeks to master on
my own, those tasks over which I am proud to say I have been able to accomplish despite having little help, I felt a jealous monster arise in my chest that wanted to growl "Mine!! She is MINE!"
That dreadful feeling grew even stronger when I realised that in a full day, 5 out of 7 feedings will have to be done by Jubilah. Ah the double-edged sword of bonding with one's child over breastfeeding - how keen the cut when your child is no longer in your arms when she needs sustenance.
I know this is ridiculous and surely time will no longer keep the baby a little koala forever snuggling in my arms. I just did not expect this keen response to guard my bond with my daughter. The dry run that I did some weeks ago with mother-in-law was not quite so bad as I knew that it was only for 1 day... Jubilah's presence reminded me that the separation coming up when I go back to work, will be for a lot longer than 1 day.
Well am I reminded that I go back to work in 2 weeks. T-16 days and counting...
Our helper, Jubilah, started today. Based on our requirements, the agency assures us she is qualified. My interview with her proves benign, and she appears to handle Layla with sure arms and clean hands.
What caught me off-guard was the whallop to my stomach that I felt when I passed Layla into her arms. I think in the back of my mind I knew that my greatest fear was for Jubilah to become such a critical part of Layla's care, that my role will be steadily diminished. Rationally I know that I will never allow that to happen (although there are plenty of examples in Singapore to disprove that).
But as we went over the various tasks on Layla's schedule that Jubilah will have to help me with (especially when I return to work), the same tasks that I have taken great pains in the past 12 weeks to master on
my own, those tasks over which I am proud to say I have been able to accomplish despite having little help, I felt a jealous monster arise in my chest that wanted to growl "Mine!! She is MINE!"
That dreadful feeling grew even stronger when I realised that in a full day, 5 out of 7 feedings will have to be done by Jubilah. Ah the double-edged sword of bonding with one's child over breastfeeding - how keen the cut when your child is no longer in your arms when she needs sustenance.
I know this is ridiculous and surely time will no longer keep the baby a little koala forever snuggling in my arms. I just did not expect this keen response to guard my bond with my daughter. The dry run that I did some weeks ago with mother-in-law was not quite so bad as I knew that it was only for 1 day... Jubilah's presence reminded me that the separation coming up when I go back to work, will be for a lot longer than 1 day.
Well am I reminded that I go back to work in 2 weeks. T-16 days and counting...
posted by tygertyger at 11:21 PM
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