The Breakup

* This was written in April 2008, on my phone, when I resigned from my job as a Managing Director in a major international financial institution. I found it in a rescued thumb drive.

I thought it would be one of those conflagaration of emotions, with outpouring of well wishes and tears and hugs and teddy bears.

Reality was a diferent matter. I suppose in recent times when we all lead transient lives that emphasise mobility over rootedness, "moving on" is an expected milestone. No different from the 21st bday, or the silver wedding anniversary.

I resigned a month ago, and yesterday was my last day. The month's worth of notice period flew by -  i made my last business trips, caught up on as many loose ends as i could, said as many goodbyes as i could.  Tried to leave behind as much advice as i could to the junior members of the team - they were the biggest reasons for me to stay, yet my departure would have given them the biggest opportunity to advance. 

I thought deep and hard about the lessons i would take with me, 14 years of career-building and the metamorphosis of human nature from the pure naivete of earnest ambition to questionable integrity at the height of one's career. About the principles that i was, despite my best (and worst) efforts, able to maintain and stick by. About the people in whom i have lost faith and respect, and the ones whom i count as mentors i will never forget. About the tea ladies and receptionists, the analysts and vice presidents, the mailrunners and managing directors.

A friend said that perhaps its because i've put in 14 years in this field that the departure was sentimental. In his view, "a job is just a necessary evil". 

Perhaps he is right. My job has been my life so far, not just because it enables me to pay my bills or expands my knowledge.

But because I could learn and see what life has to offer in this sandbox that is corporate life.  I am not sure that if i was doing anything else that i could have become the person I am, with the views and principles i have. I learned to love, hate, judge, despise, stress, evaluate, drive, mentor, be patient, and finally, let go. 

It's rather sobering to finally realize that my feelings about leaving this stage of my life meant more to me than to the people that were such a big part of it. Some were caustic about my departure while others were selectively restrained in their send-off.

I re-read some of my old b-mails (ie. Blackberry emails) and am a little scared of how unhappy and angry I was when I wrote them.

So i guess in the end it is a better thing that i take a different path. My colleagues are going to be fine, and even if they aren't - they're all smart people and this bank isn't the only bank to make a living.

As hard as it was to say goodbye, like breaking up with a dysfunctional lover, in the end it was for my own good. I suppose i shouldn't be hoping for any more expressions of love as after all, it's a breakup - it was time to move on.

Ps. I did receive, after my last day, a card handmade by Sara signed by everyone, which was a really touching parting gift. That, will remain in my files with my old boyfriends' photographs.

Layla Daily Specials: Week 3 (Age 8 weeks)

Reality has intruded and I am now sick of writing in third-person or Layla voice - so back to Pat's view as new mother.

14 Dec

I was bored of being inside today. Layla had always shown remarkable composure while outside, despite the rashes and bald head I needed to connect with the outside world. So I decided to do what tai-tais do in this part of town - go to Parkway Parade at 4pm with my mum and my daughter. What a luxury to stroll through a well-appointed mall, had coffee and cake at a cafe, looked at handbags and bras and finally ended up at the baby section to nurse Layla in the nursery area at Isetan. Looking around me, I saw more of the same - perhaps because it was school holidays, perhaps we are at the confluence of East Coast Road, Meyer Road and Mounbatten Road - all chock full of women whose husbands are fighting the corporate rat race and the maid has the housework well in hand - so air con and cappucinos it is. I felt in turns entertained, but also quite hollow - if it wasn't for the warmth of Layla against my chest, the entire exercise would have made me laugh in my own farce (pun intended). But given I had been cooped up at home for as many weeks, it was a much needed break albeit taken in a way that is not my typical style. Then again who knows what my typical style will be anymore given the little girl.

Side note: A nursery area in Isetan, very happy to see one - I doubt many malls in Singapore have them. CHanging tables in the ladies room would typically be woefully ill-appointed - cramped up next to women trying to wash their hands, seldom if at all installed in men's rooms. Glad to see there is a standalone nursery room in Isetan Parkway, as the mall bathroom is the most bacteria-infested place in the mall. This one has 3 changing stations, 2 private nursing rooms, a thermos with hot water, a jug with tepid sterile water, and a sink for washing up. Although must admit to amusement that it was necessary to include a sign by the sink that discourages people from washing their babies' bums at the sink. One would have thought it self-explanatory.

15 Dec

Stayed in today. Experimented with bathing Layla the new way with an additional variable - before she was fed. She was able to make it past head-washing and front-washing before she started to cry and wriggle. Doctor's recommendation is a total of 750ml a day - which means we are back to using more formula as supplement. Kind of ironic as my breast milk production just caught up to a total of 500ml a day. We'll just keep on going. I'm amazed at how fast she is growing - 5.2kg seems so different from the swaddled baby handed to me at the hospital - she was big then - but is sturdy and stout now. Her eyes are tracking now, and she's making sounds that mean "A Goo Goo" and "Ngg-gah" and weird squeals that always bring a smile to my face. Jo and I are slowly getting a routine in place - and we're slowly trying to build a routine for Layla as well. Wonder whether we should let nature take its course or put nurture into practice and "teach" her a routine... everyday I just keep thinking of having to go back to work and worry about what will happen to this little girl - so am fearful of a fly-by-seat-of-diaper way of bringing up baby.

16 Dec

I asked mama to come over to babysit today so I could go to the US embassy to run an errand.  First time I was out and about without baby, and it felt strange. nostalgic for when I was not yet a mother, worry for baby at home, trying to stay focused to finish as much as I can as fast as I can.  Coming home I felt such joy to see Layla again, couldn't wait to have her in my arms again. -a portent of what things will be like when I go back to work!

Layla has, to our great amusement, learned how to shout. Not the loud crying kind of shout, but the kind that is accompanied with gurgling and smiles. The kind that tells me she has discovered her vocal strength! And they are strong, like she is :) 

P.s. I know it sets a bad precedent but I love having her sleep in my arms

Layla Daily Specials: Week 2 (Age 7 weeks)

7 Dec
Continuing journey as Singaporean by visiting 2nd mall of her life - Parkway Parade! Dad and Mum took advantage of morning quiet to get some mee rebus in the food court, and Layla was very well-behaved in the Baby Bjorn the whole time. Good girl :)

8 Dec
Grandma is back today! We went to the airport to pick her up and Layla was a peach for the 1st time in the car seat. Must be the soothing engine sounds and the motion of travelling - she literally knocked out and slept the whole way. Getting carried in the arms was probably less comfortable!

9 Dec
Seminal day! Layla lost her hair today. It took 2 hours plus 1 diaper change plus 2 pairs of hands cutting and razing and 1 pair to hold her, and a very important pacifier. She had a great time at the bath with grandma after the haircut so mummy is now wondering what she was doing wrong for Layla to be so upset before. Good thing we shaved the head though, as much as we loved her punky hair - we now can see some cradle cap and rashes on her scalp.  We then visited an aunt who exchanged lively old wives' tales with grandma about how to treat rashes - see detour blog post Old Wives' Tales.  Dinner at a food court later, we were finally on our way home - what a long day.

10 Dec
Mummy was not feeling well. Layla was hard to put down after 3am feeding but eventually fell asleep - but mummy ended up with a runny nose and a terrible sore throat. She slept in and Daddy took over the morning feeding. Today we applied baby oil to Layla's scalp for cradle cap and some powder for her rashes. Really weird carrying her with no hair as her stubble chafes the arms - but strangely the lack of hair makes her look bigger :)

Good day at the bath! Mummy thinks she may have figured out (for now) what was bothering Layla before... so let's hope we can repeat it tomorrow :)

11 Dec
Mummy had her first massage in ages today - neighbour makcik came up and did magic with her fingers. Hurt by the abdomen area but not badly - interestingly right-side of the abdomen a lot more sore than the left, which according to makcik is normal as girls sit on the right of the uterus whereas boys sit on the left. Another theory to be tested on oldwivestales.com!

Layla rocked tummy time today - lifted her head clean off the mattress and almost pushed her chest up with her arms. This girl is strong! Rashes are getting a little too angry-looking for my comfort so we're
going to monitor it for tomorrow, then decide whether to take her to the ped.  Bath time was so-so - went well for the first half but a draft spoiled all the good work in the second half.  Mummy had another mini meltdown at night - resentment at Daddy's free time to play PS3. Mummy needs to get out or she'll go mad - just watch.

12 Dec
Layla had a visit from Chian Ying, Ee Chian's daughter - who is now a whopping 5.5 months old! She can turn over on her own, and seemed to have great fun staring at Layla. The 2 girls synchronised their poop - one went right after the other, so courteous so they could take turns using the diaper table, probably.  Layla also took her stroller out for a test drive today - at dinner with the Gang. Not the easiest to
manouver given the stickiness of the equipment (not difficult to assemble at all) but she seemed to really like the car seat. The spotlights at the restaurants fussed with her a bit, but getting rocked to sleep by aunty Eggie and aunty Candice seemed to work for her :)  Dad noticed that there were many many strollers in Marina
Square that night - or  where there always many strollers and he only started to notice now?  PS. Apparently Chelsea had a DRAW with Spurs - for which Layla is kinda excited about :)

13 Dec
We're visiting the ped today - Mummy wanted to take Layla there on the MRT but Daddy wants to drive us there. Grandma is coming over to cook for Mummy again - duck soup this time! The ped was a different doctor in the same clinic - who congratulated Layla on now at a hearty 5.2kg, then made mummy's heart sink when she said the bits behind Layla's ears were a rather bad skin infection.  Waves of guilt made her blood run cold. After all the effort we made, and there was still an infection? Thank goodness for Daddy's nerves of ice who made Layla giggle and reminded mummy that surely it can't be all that serious if the antibiotic ointment prescribed only cost us $6. Nothing like price-value relationship to help mummy put things in perspective.


When cleaning and applying ointment on the infected areas that night, poor Layla was in pain and cried whenever the Q-tip touched her. Putting it in perspective, I suppose some other babies would have cried long before and long after, our girl just put her arms and legs to good use to kick and swat everyone but stopped once the Qtip left her skin.

It's heartbreaking to hear her cry - the level of impotence that one feels is crippling. Yet in a strange way I'm comforted by her swatting and kicking - my girl's got spirit, much like me when I was hospitalised at age 4 for pneumonia. Apparently it took 5 nurses to give me an injection each time - 2 for my arms, 2 for my legs, and 1 to inject.  The genes will tell.

Layla Daily Specials: Week 1

30 Nov 2010 

Today we brought Layla to the airport to say goodbye to Grandpa (Pat's dad) whom Layla will not see till next April as he is returning to Melbourne. 

We also went up to the viewing gallery, to look at planes like Pat used to do when she was a child, then accompanied by her dad who would quiz her on airline logos. Pat used to think that if she got them all right, she'll get to pick the airline to fly on for the next holiday... somehow fitting that we would start off Layla there too, and even more fitting as we were looking at a Jetstar plane, which Layla will take to Melbourne next April. 

1 Dec 2010

Layla seems to have a slight runny nose so we didn't bathe her today. Johann finally finished the bulk of his work so we had some downtime, which we put to use by Pat silly-dancing around the house with Layla, while Johann played the guitar. When Layla was finally put down in the rocker, in 'mat' fashion Jo played a slow rock song to Layla while sitting on the floor by a corner.. Layla's first serenade :)

2 Dec 2010

Pat slept in this morning given Layla's nighttime feeds, so Johann had morning duty. While Pat was dead to the world, snug in a Baby Bjorn, Layla went to our neighborhood kopitiam so Jo could eat some carrot cake and neighborhood aunties can ogle at the baby girl... must have been tiring enough for her to be asleep when Jo brought her back! 

3 Dec 2010

Layla girl suffered from a snotty nose overnight - poor thing had a restless sleep. Some cotton wool up her nostrils and the snot sucker helped - and we've dressed her up more warmly tonight. A rare spell of rainy nights this week has made the aircon unnecessary, which worries me a bit because when the weather heats up, I hope the AC doesn't pose a problem again for her delicate sinuses. 

4 Dec 2010

Snot seems to have subsided somewhat and breathing appears better. Layla received a gift from Pat's old classmate Janice, who happens to live in the block across from us - a cuddly little rabbit security blanket. Now she has 2 blankies - let's see which one she ends up preferring - the blue teddy or the pink bunny.  

Jo and Pat braved Bedok Corner hawker centre heat and crowd given the relatively cooler weather, and Layla showed remarkable composure in the Baby Bjorn - even awake at the hawker centre for about 10 minutes, looking around, yawning, then falling back asleep on Pat's chest. Very comforting for both of us although Pat had to learn how to eat without dribbling food on Layla's head! 

5 Dec 2010

Today was special in a different way. Pat had bad day and her emotional outburst upset poor Layla. When it always seems like things are going downhill, Layla has a way of smiling or sleeping or even snorting or making funny sounds (even if its reactive and not intentional) that picks up the spirits - Pat is reminded that as much as she may think she's not meeting a hypothetical mothering standard, Layla is a healthy and well-loved little girl that will only know that her parents love her and does't give a hoot for the rest.  Hugs. 

6 Dec 2010

Layla had a tough time at the bath today - .not sure what caused it, water was what it was always at, and i had the bath music on. we'll try again tomorrow and see how it goes. lots of cuddles and hugs after the bath though, poor thing. something about the baby smell that calms me down.